These are my favorite pair of jean shorts, or at least I’ve thought that for over 25 years. I purchased these shorts for probably less than 20 dollars. I don’t really recall but I know they weren’t expensive. They’ve been with me since my early 30’s and have defined me since the day that I brought them home. What you see is just a simple picture of a pair of shorts. For me, these shorts have been so much more – they have over the years set the stage for how I feel about myself. They have been the corner stone of my self worth in the most simplest of forms, in the most basic of measurement. For the first few years, my shorts and I had a good relationship – every time I wore them, they zipped easily and went with just about everything, dressed up or dressed down. Cute with tennis shoes, low cut cowboy boots and even an oversized sweatshirt. Over the years however, they became toxic - much more foe than friend. These shorts determined for me how I felt about myself. Overly snug and I felt like a failure and disappointment – imagine how I felt the day I couldn’t even zip them at all. And then I went to work, determined to get back into those shorts once again, to make myself whole. And I did. I lost weight to get them to zip again, yet they never really looked the same – I didn’t even ever wear them in public again – they just had their own spot in my drawer where I could make sure I would still be able to get them on.
As I see these shorts today, I wonder how I gave them so much power, and how I came to a place in which I thought my size dictated the entirety of me. I wonder why I spent days feeling badly about myself, berating myself for the weight gain or feeling elation when I’d lost weight and my beloved shorts once again fit. I wonder why I failed to realize what they were – a pair of jean shorts from the Gap – and how I’d created such an illusion in which they came to define me. As I have grown over the years, in many ways including waist size, I today finally recognize the wisdom of knowing that I am so much more than what I look like, or the size that I am – and this has been such a blessing. It took years in which I struggled to figure out that my size was not my identity. I see who I am today through they eyes of my beautiful grand daughter – When I walk into the room, her little face lights up as she runs to jump into my arms so that I can love her up. She doesn’t see size – she sees her Nani who will swing her up in the air, cover her with kisses and see the magic in her. She doesn’t care about those jean shorts. In fact, most likely she would use them as a blanky to cover her baby doll, and they would be lost in the sea of baby toys in her toy bin. She sees me as who I really am, and I, today, am learning to also do that. So today, as much these shorts have given me over the years, or I have allowed them to, I have decided it is now my time to give. Today I give these shorts to the Goodwill, with the hope that new owner recognizes these shorts for what they are - simply a pair of jean shorts. Today I am going to live my spirit, which knows no size, and share my gifts with the world. Today I see how silly I’ve been in the illusion of these shorts. Today I’m finally putting the pieces together understanding that I am so much more than I ever knew, and with the understanding that my value comes from within, not from without. As I say these words, and gladly place those pair of shorts in the “give away” bin, I feel relief, I feel whole, and I feel complete without definition – and with that, I know that I’ve grown in ways that cannot be measured.
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AuthorKristyn Baker, CECP, is an intuitive energy healer and writer. Her forty years of working with energy medicine has evolved as she has expanded her own healing abilities and understandings. Combining her abilities as an Emotion Code practitioner and Simpson Protocol practioner with her intuitive insights and channeling, opens opportunities to heal and to release what no longer serves. . Archives
January 2023
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